In general, writers are pretty pleasant people. We love creativity, unique experiences, and great movies. And the vast majority of us love interesting conversations with cool people. I’d say that most of us are pretty easy to get along with, but like any profession, writers are also subject to stereotypes. There are definitely things you should not assume about us—or say directly to our faces. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, let me share ten things to never say to a writer unless you want us to secretly hate you.
Disclaimer: this list may not be universal to all writers per say. I’ve personally heard every one of these phrases multiple times and can attest how aggravating they are. And I know many other writers who also complain about hearing these comments frequently . . . Also, be forewarned that I’m letting my snark flag fly in this post. If sarcasm offends you, just know that I’m not usually this angry of a person. Most of the time.
1. “Where do your ideas come from?”
On the annoyance scale of things to never to say to a writer, this one is way up there. It’s just a dumb question since writers get their ideas from . . . everywhere? Stuff we watch, stuff we experience, stuff we read, and stuff our addled brains daydream about while we’re doing menial tasks like washing dishes. We have no clue where these ideas come from. They just come. And we have exactly zero interest in explaining this unknowable phenomenon to people who will never understand a writer’s brain anyway.
A close second to this question is the classic, “How do I come up with my own book ideas?” I’m sorry, but anyone asking this is not and never will be a writer. Period. End of story. Do not pass GO. Do not collect two hundred dollars.
What to Say Instead: “What’s your latest story idea? I’d love to hear about it!”
2. “I wish I had time to write . . .”
Of all the things to never say to a writer, this one might get you throttled. Writers are not magical creatures with scads of spare time on our hands. In fact, writers are some of the busiest people I know. How do we get writing done? We make sacrifices and sometimes schedule our day down to the minute to get word count out. We’re disciplined and often very sleep deprived. Bottom line: we MAKE time to write. There’s nothing easy about this.
Anyone on earth can choose to make time to write, but most people don’t. It’s particularly insulting to hear “I wish I had time to write” from people who waste hours of their day scrolling through social media and binge watching TV shows. Don’t even get me started, man.
What to Say Instead: “I’d like to make time to write too! What’s your process to produce lots of word count?”
3. “Since you love to write, could you write _________ for me?”
This is a thinly veiled attempt to get writers to work for free. Maybe it’s a script for an elementary school play, a long bio for a conference you’re attending, descriptions for a community auction, or any number of short or long writing needs. If you’re close friends with a writer, sometimes we are happy to help you out. But there’s nothing fun about sacrificing our time and energy without compensation. You would never ask an accountant to do your taxes for free; why should writers be expected to offer our skillset without pay?
One last note: never, EVER ask us to write your random book idea that you don’t have the patience to write yourself. We’re already swimming in story ideas. We have zero interest in writing a book concept that isn’t ours—unless you plan to hire us as your official ghost writer. Major caveat there.
What to Say Instead: “Hey I need help with a writing project. Do you freelance? How much do you charge per hour?”
4. Oh you write! So you want to be like J K Rowling?
I mean, sure . . . I would love for my very first book to redefine children’s fantasy forever and turn me into a billionaire. This is on the list of things to never say to a writer because we hear this ALL THE TIME. Do we want to be J K Rowling? Or Stephen King? Perhaps we’d like to be Stephanie Meyer, Anne Rice, and Danielle Steel combined!
These questions are super tedious because no, I’m not going to be as successful as any of these famous anomalies in the publishing industry. Literally 99.99% of writers in the world never will be. Trust me, the writer who claims to be the next J K Rowling is more delusional than they are talented. Just back away slowly.
What to Say Instead: “Which author inspired you to become a writer?”
5. Oh wow, you’re a writer! So you write romance novels?
Uuuuuugh I hate that this one is aimed almost exclusively at female writers. For the record, I know several talented writers who specialize in rom coms, Christian romance, Regency Era romance, and straight-up erotica. But for the rest of us who write in totally different genres, it’s not exactly flattering when people assume that women only write romance. Or that women write because it’s an outlet for our dirty sexual fantasies. Even women who do write romance novels often have really insightful things to say about love and intimacy. And those of us who don’t write romance novels would be mortified to see our names next to an oily bare chest on some bodice-ripper book cover. That kind of thing is just not for everyone.
What to Say Instead: “What genre do you write in?”
6. “Writing sounds so fun. So what’s your real job?”
Of all the things to never say to a writer, this one is by far the most condescending. Writers are already hyperaware that our craft isn’t taken seriously. We don’t need this fact rubbed into our faces. Or to hear statistics of how little money fiction writers make or how hard it is to get a book picked up. And we DEFINITELY don’t need to hear snide remarks about writers working day jobs in the fast food industry. Hardy har har. For the record, I singlehandedly purchased a brand new house thanks to my writing job. But if you’re dying to become the town idiot in someone’s book, go ahead and make all the comments about how writing isn’t a real job.
What to Say Instead: Even I can’t think of a good way to spin this one. Please say something supportive or interesting instead.
7. “When your books get made into movies, I’ll totally watch them!”
Oh this little gem . . . I think people say this as some form of a compliment? Like you think I’m talented enough that my book ideas will eventually become blockbuster movies? In reality, this is one of the things to never say to a writer because it kind of invalidates our entire existence.
Our society is losing its attention span with a vengeance lately, and a lot of kids would rather watch the movie instead of picking up the (arguably better) book it was based on. This reality is both sad and maddening to us writers. Trust me, we’re not writing stories with the end goal of turning them into movies. We write books because we want people to read our work.
What to Say Instead: “What’s your favorite book-to-movie adaptation? What did like about it?”
8. “Have you ever thought about self-publishing?”
Nope. Never. I’ve never even HEARD of self-publishing. That’s a thing?! If you can’t detect my sarcasm, let me assure you that every writer everywhere has heard of self-publishing. And it is not the magical loophole that you think it is. Seriously, I can’t fathom why humans get SO EXCITED to inform me that this option exists.
It’s true: you can upload any book onto Amazon for people to buy. The book doesn’t have to be professional or good or interesting in the slightest. And unless you know how to write well and market your book, I guarantee that it will make no money. Self-publishing is a TON of work, and it’s not free either. Just breaking even on a self-published book is a huge accomplishment, so here’s a shout-out to my writer friends who have walked the self-publishing road. I plan to fail spectacularly at traditional publishing before trying the self-publishing route for many different reasons, but that’s a topic for another day . . .
What to Say Instead: “Do you know anyone who’s published or self-publishes their own books?” I should note here that asking writers where they’re at in their publishing journey can be a minefield of stress. If we’re published, that will come up quite early in the conversation. If we’re not, we’d much rather brag about our writer friends who are.
9. “My [relative or random acquaintance] is a writer too! You two should meet.”
Words cannot describe how little the writer standing in front of you cares about your writer acquaintance. Maybe if you’re related to a published author who’s a household name . . . But the likelihood that I’m ever going to reach out to your cousin’s babysitter who lives in Milwaukee and has written four chapters of a bad murder mystery is less than zero. I know it sounds harsh, but your writer acquaintance is not unique. When you excitedly tell writers that you know a writer, we’re all thinking in our heads, “You and everybody else on this planet.”
What to Say Instead: “I love running into writers! Tell me what inspired you to start writing.”
10. “So how’s writing going?”
This probably tops the list of things to never say to a writer because how do you even respond to this?! Good? Great? It’s going? Just plugging away? I haven’t finished what I’m working on if that’s what you’re asking . . . There’s just nothing to say! I’m personally fielding this question every few days lately—or the even worse version: “How is querying going?” That question inevitably kicks off an internal panic as I try to craft a response that sounds like I’m making some kind of progress despite still not having an agent.
Writers have to exercise superhuman levels of patience. Finishing books, launching a writing career, and finding an agent can take years. So forgive me if I have absolutely no updates to share with you. The second I score a book deal, y’all will definitely hear about it.
What to Say Instead: “What’s your opinion on [literally any topic in the universe]?” This subject doesn’t have to be writing adjacent. Writers have interesting lives outside of our books too.
I Promise We’re Actually Quite Fun to Talk To
Seriously, if you want to strike up a conversation with a writer, your best bet is to fish for book recommendations or ask specific questions about what it’s like to be a writer. We love talking about our ideas and sharing our overabundance of opinions. So lest I’m giving the impression that writers hate talking to people, we don’t! In fact, we can be some of the best conversationalists around. As long as you avoid the aforementioned list of things to never say to a writer, chances are that we’ll genuinely enjoy talking to you too. ❧
