With my daughter about to turn two this month, I’m reminiscing lately about my journey of becoming a mother. I haven’t been a mom for very long in the grand scheme of things, but I received an email recently from a reader of Snow White Writes asking about being a mom and a writer at the same time. (By the way, I love hearing from my readers. If you’re considering reaching out to me, please do!) Moms who write are everywhere and often unseen in society, so I felt that this topic was worthy of an entire blog post.
If you’re a writer who’s also a soon-to-be mom or a fellow warrior queen writer mom—or you’re just fascinated by this breed of creative person—let’s chat. I’m about to lay out eight truths about moms who write based on my own experience and the many, many experiences of other writer moms I’ve met. We are legion, and I guarantee that no matter where you live, there’s a writer mom who lives near you, quietly toiling on her stories in the dead of night.
Truth #1: Moms Who Write LOVE What We Do
There’s no other explanation for the effort we put into writing with kids. If I could describe motherhood in two words, those words would be “joyful” and “EXHAUSTING” in all caps. Energy is a mom’s most precious resource. So explain to me why any woman would choose to spend her child’s naptime or her few minutes in a school pickup line or her one quiet hour after bedtime typing madly on her laptop about imaginary worlds and characters who don’t exist. Moms who write do this only because we have a passion that no amount of sleepless nights can douse.
I admit that I often question if I’m wasting my time when I write. New motherhood is a hectic season. There are so, SO many things I could be doing with the scant spare time that I have. But without fail, I find myself thinking about world building and plot twists as I’m folding laundry, chasing my cute hellion all over the house, and wiping spilled water off the floor for the fiftieth time today. And inevitably, the sweet siren calls of my laptop beckon me the moment my daughter goes to bed. If writer moms have anything, it’s passion.
Truth #2: We Very Rarely Write Every Day
I admit that my daily writing habit went up in flames once I became a mom. Meaning the second I got pregnant. Pregnancy and motherhood affect women’s brains in terrifying ways that all moms understand. We now have scientific evidence that women’s brains actually shrink while we’re carrying babies. I know. Because the stretch marks and ugly crying over our dear husband forgetting to buy more asiago bagels just isn’t enough. Not that I’ve experienced that personally . . .
My point is that writing while pregnant and especially after having babies looks different than it did pre-kids. Writing at the same time every day isn’t the typical story I hear from writer moms. Yes, a lot of us get up before the sun rises and often fit in some writing before feeding the kids breakfast. But there are a million other responsibilities vying for that precious block of the day.
Choosing how to prioritize our never-ending list of must-dos can be so draining that we end up procrastinating. Other times, we sit down joyously to write—and end up falling asleep. I can’t tell you how often this happens to me these days. But I’ve found that the planning and writing I do in my head is extremely valuable right now. Some moms write just twice a week. Or only on Saturdays while their significant other takes the kids to the pool. Whatever our writing schedules look like, even if they change every week, moms who write do our best to stay flexible so we can fit in time for ourselves even during the most chaotic season of life.
Truth #3: We Are Scrappy, Practical, and Endlessly Stubborn
Speaking of flexibility, moms are better at bending backwards than your average Olympic gymnast. We fit in creativity wherever we can. Some of us record audio clips of our writing thoughts while pushing our toddler in the stroller. Others use extracurricular time like after-school sports, ballet lessons, and trips to the park to jot down ideas or whip out a scene on our smartphones. Apparently Stephanie Meyer busted out her first book during her children’s swim lessons. We all know how that turned out.
There was a time that I needed a solid hour to write anything at all (and spent forty minutes of that time daydreaming while staring at my screen). As a mom, those days are over. Moms don’t have the luxury of being fussy with our work. We can use fifteen minutes for research, wordsmithing, brainstorming, calling a friend to figure out a plot hole, or cranking out some dialogue that we desperately want to remember. It can happen on our phones, or sometimes it’s scrawled across a discarded Disney Princess picture with crayon scribbles all over it.
We moms can’t afford to be picky about how, when, or for how long we write. Because squeezing in writing around the demands of keeping little humans alive takes more grit than most military operations. We truly are on the front lines of life over here. Sometimes we’re too tired to care about anything—and then an hour later we’re stubbornly at it again. Because the desire to write is intoxicating, even if it takes weeks or months to complete a chapter. Writing as a mom can be slow going, but we keep at it because it’s just who we are.
Truth #4: Our Biggest Enemy Is Guilt
Most women have heard the legend of Mom Guilt, even if they haven’t had kids. But it’s difficult to truly understand the all-encompassing, pernicious nature of the constant guilt of modern motherhood until you’ve experienced it. The standards have never been higher for raising kids, feeding kids, napping kids, protecting kids from literally everything, AND keeping them out of therapy once they grow up. Is that last one even technically possible? Who knows. But while moms are trying to tackle all of that while (maybe) maintaining their sanity, moms who write are tossing another thing on the pile. Writing.
Sure, making time to write is tough. But the hardest thing is all the feelings of what you could or should be doing every time you sit down to work. Shouldn’t I be with my kids more? Or at least spend this time with my spouse? Or get better at meal prepping? Clean my house? Work out? Read parenting books? Support other moms better? Or maybe I ought to just go to bed so I can have the energy to do this all again in the morning. The guilt is A LOT, let me tell you.
I’ve yet to meet a mom who’s defeated Mom Guilt. But I will say that moms who write are some of my favorite people on earth because we have so much to talk about. Keeping our brains and our dreams alive is so worth it for moms. AND shows our kids what it’s like to have passions and hobbies and time for ourselves, which is an extremely good thing. I personally have to keep that in mind. Plus it helps that my husband is massively supportive of my writing dreams. He loves to see me satisfied and happy after I write something great.
Truth #5: Writing Also Makes Us Better Moms
Now don’t misunderstand! I’m not saying that writers are better at parenting than non-writers. That’s not at all what I mean. I’m talking about writers reaching our full potential by giving our overactive imaginations something to do. Parenting young kids is a universally stressful experience. Writers have chaotic, creative brains that are constantly spinning even without the daily pressures of parentings. So if you’re one of these people, you probably need an outlet. You might be the type of mom who spends so much time planning and worrying and stressing and micromanaging everything and everyone that she drives her family completely bonkers.
This is the exact scenario when a mom needs an intellectual outlet the most. Some moms read or crochet or turn into that super overinvolved member of the PTA. And some of us write. Whatever your outlet is, I do think that a change of pace in motherhood is super healthy, especially for us Type A women. It gives us something different to focus on, something we have 100% control over for a change. That type of stuff is hard to come by in motherhood.
Truth #6: If You’re Wondering How We Do It All . . . We Don’t
I think there’s this misconception that moms who write are perfect. That we’re so smart and put together that we excel at mom life all day long and then write full novels in the dead of night while functioning on zero sleep. Maybe there’s somebody out there doing that . . . but it’s not me. And it’s not any writer mom I know either. The truth is that writing when you’re a mom requires sacrifices. That can look like massively simplifying your kids’ activities or enlisting a whole lot of help from family or neighbors so you have a couple afternoons to write each week. It could look like preparing frozen foods for your kids more often than you’d prefer (there’s that mom guilt again) or letting your kids loose in the backyard instead of playing with them every time they demand it.
Even J K Rowling admitted that the only way she wrote the first couple of Harry Potter books as a single mom was by neglecting housework. She and her daughter lived in squalor for a couple years while her writing career was taking off because that’s what it took to make room in Jo’s life. Now that I’m a mom myself, I respect the living daylights out of that decision. Just because we have kids doesn’t mean we aren’t ambitious and dying to make it as a writer. But that time and effort and pure energy has to come from somewhere. So we let things go whenever we can. And that’s okay.
Truth #7: Then Other Times, We Just Need a Break
This one isn’t something writer moms like to talk about, but there are seasons of motherhood when writing just isn’t possible. Sometimes for a long while. I just came off of one of these dry spells that lasted an entire six months filled with stress, sickness, moving to a new city, and unpacking an entire house while taking care of a toddler. It was a lot. I’m not ashamed to admit that I didn’t write a word during all that. Then once I got on my feet again, my hands went back on the keyboard. Did I feel like I was failing by not writing for so long? Yes. Yes, I did. But I also knew that it was the right decision for me and my family at that time.
A lot of mom writers are scared that if they stop writing, even temporarily, they’re losing their identity. I actually really dislike the concept of women “losing themselves” by becoming moms. All of the fearmongering and negativity surrounding motherhood completely ignores the fact that being a mom is actually awesome, and there’s literally no one who can mother your kids as well as you can.
Modern women feel a gargantuan amount of pressure to produce, to have successful careers AND be successful moms simultaneously at all times in all circumstances. And that just isn’t realistic. It’s okay for women to acknowledge when they’re over their heads and they need a rest. That isn’t weakness. That’s self-awareness, which is the ultimate form of strength in my opinion. Sometimes moms who write are doing the best thing possible by prioritizing our kids first, taking a much-needed break, then diving back into writing when we’re ready.
Truth #8: Motherhood Is the Greatest Adventure Any Writer Could Experience
As I’m sure you can tell, I’m not one to sugarcoat motherhood. Being a mom is the hardest thing I have ever done, and the demands of it are relentless. But being a mom has also been the most breathtaking, meaningful experience of my life. I get that people without kids find this duality confusing. How could something so difficult be so awesome at the same time? I don’t fully understand it myself. But I know that I’m beyond obsessed with my daughter and would give up anything, including my writing time, to help her thrive.
Being a mom isn’t just a distraction from my writing. It’s become a core facet of my identity that has made me a better person. And much the same way that writing makes me a better parent, mothering has also made me a better writer. It’s made me more compassionate and intuitive. It’s made me stronger, steadier, and totally unflappable in the face of constant change, a quality I never thought I’d possess. And honestly? Motherhood has given me a bigger reason to shoot for my dreams of getting published. I can’t think of anyone I want to see me succeed more than the little girl I get to hang out with every day. She’s pretty cool—though I’m obviously biased. ❧
