Well folks, it’s that time of year again for chocolate and valentines. Also the time when everyone who isn’t in a relationship questions everything about their lives and everyone IN relationships questions all their overblown expectations.
But in all seriousness, I’m a fully recovered Valentine’s Day hater who now enjoys this holiday every year with my gorgeous husband. That being said, I totally get why many (or most?) people despise this holiday. Zero judgment from me. And despite now enjoying February 14, I still approach our culture’s demanding expectations of romance with a healthy dose of skepticism. Which is why I’d like to pose a question: is love at first sight real? Or even possible?
Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight,
Romeo and Juliet, Act I, scene 5
For I ne’er saw true beauty till this night.
The Love at First Sight Trope Is EVERYWHERE
Putting aside romance novels and popular rom-coms, love at first sight is in just about every popular fairy tale. The tales with happy endings almost always feature a young girl getting engaged to a royal she’s just met. And these proposals often involve the guy claiming he loves her despite knowing only two things about her: she’s beautiful, and he wants to marry her.
[Cinderella] sat down on a stool, pulled her foot out of the heavy wooden shoe, and put it into the slipper, and it fitted her perfectly.
When she stood up the prince looked into her face, and he recognized the beautiful girl who had danced with him. He cried out, “She is my true bride.”
Cinderella, The Grimm Brothers
To be fair, the whole concept of “love” was quite different in historical stories than it’s treated today. Back then, love meant that you found someone attractive enough to want to sleep with them. Which therefore meant committing to marriage as you did back in the day. In contrast, the Disney concept of love at first sight carries a whole lot more weight. When people today talk about love at first sight, they generally think they’ve found “the one.” Their soul mate. The only person they will ever be coupled with and live out happily ever after.
That’s . . . a lot of pressure to put on a first meeting.
Because Let’s Be Clear About One Thing . . .
Love at first sight doesn’t seem to be possible for someone who isn’t physically hot. Prove me wrong if you disagree, but I’ve never seen this trope used for someone who didn’t have a pretty face. Maybe there are examples of people falling in love (or at least falling in hormones) after getting to know each other for one evening. But we’re talking about first sight here. And although different people might be looking for different types, it’s clear that the beauty in the eye of the beholder is what sparks this brand of “love.” Or at least a lovely singing voice depending on the fairy tale you happen to be starring in . . .
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel,
Let down your golden hair,”and as soon as she had let it down the Prince climbed up.
At first Rapunzel was terribly frightened when a man came in, for she had never seen one before; but the Prince spoke to her so kindly, and told her at once that his heart had been so touched by her singing, that he felt he should know no peace of mind till he had seen her. Very soon Rapunzel forgot her fear, and when he asked her to marry him she consented at once.
Rapunzel, The Grimm Brothers
So yes, love at first sight seems to be reserved for the most beautifully symmetrical among us. They may say that all’s fair in love and war, but clearly not if love at first sight is real. The transcendent experience of finding love in an instant must only happen to those with bodies and faces of statuesque proportions if you know what I mean.
But Can You Love Someone You Don’t Know?
This is the question we have to address if we’re going to legitimize love at first sight. I don’t doubt that people who claim instantaneous love are often fully prepared to commit to the object of their affections. Maybe some people aren’t being honest about this, but the old fairy tale princes were dead serious in their intentions to marry. Even today, plenty of love at first sight claims lead to committed relationships that get talked about for years. Hence why the love at first sight concept lives on. A lifelong commitment has to count for something.
“I love you more than anything else in the world. Come with me to my father’s castle. You shall become my wife.” Snow-White loved him, and she went with him. Their wedding was planned with great splendor and majesty.
Little Snow-White, The Grimm Brothers
A proposal is a big deal no matter what culture you’re from, but I would argue that you can’t love a person you don’t know. To me, love is knowing someone fully. Love is being able to anticipate your partner’s needs, likes, and dislikes and to not just care for your partner, but delight them with your efforts to make their life wonderful. True love is making sacrifices for another person’s welfare. And you simply can’t know what your significant other needs or wants without doing the long, slow work of actually dating them. Both before and after marriage.
People can get to know each other quickly by spending A LOT of hours together. But nothing can replace the test of time in a relationship.
That Isn’t to Say That I Don’t Believe in Instant Compatibility
The meet cute is a powerful concept in our collective imaginations. You learn a lot about a person in the first ten minutes of meeting them, and some of us have uncanny powers of discernment when we meet someone new. I myself am one of those girls who can tell if a guy is marriage material within ten minutes. That’s partially because I’m good at reading people, and I’m also a great conversationalist.
The truth is that you can learn an awful lot about a person right out of the gate by the things you talk about, the people who introduce you, their unwritten resume of where they are in life, what they do for work and fun, and how they express themselves. And of course I’m not completely dismissive of initial attraction. “Till death do us part” is a long time. I can attest that it’s a good thing to enjoy looking at the person you end up married to. But it’s also far more important to find someone with a little more depth to them and (hopefully) a personality.
The princess awaked, and looking on [the prince] with eyes more tender than the first view might seem to admit of. “Is it you, my prince?” said she to him. “You have waited a long while.”
The prince, charmed with these words, and much more with the manner in which they were spoken, knew not how to show his joy and gratitude; he assured her that he loved her better than he did himself; their discourse was not well connected, they did weep more than talk—little eloquence, a great deal of love.
The Sleeping Beauty in the Wood, Charles Perrault
Instant Attraction is Great, But What Happens After That?
Maybe heading straight to the altar worked for folks in fairy tales. They were accustomed to arranged marriages in which neither party knew each other, but that was also a world where marriage was truly binding. Today, when people get divorced over anything and everything, we need to be far more cautious about saying I do. And actually getting to know the person you’re marrying.
A little wooing goes a long way—and so does some digging into your beloved’s red flags. I know this isn’t a romantic take, but I firmly believe that you choose the difficulty level of your life when you choose the person you’re going to marry. Some people just don’t see eye to eye when it comes to big life choices, much less values. The only way to find out if the person you fell head over heels for wants the same kind of life you do is to ask all the big questions. AND get to know them in all four seasons and on a road trip too if you can swing it. Without sharing those lived experiences, it’s kind of impossible to know if you’re headed toward happily ever after . . . or something more sinister.
“[The prince] is sailing up there, he whom I love more than my father or mother, he of whom I am always thinking, and in whose hands I would so willingly trust my lifelong happiness. I dare do anything to win him.”
The Little Mermaid, Hans Christian Andersen
My Opinion on this Topic Is Influenced By Personal Experience
I’ve been teaching a Shakespeare class recently, and when the teenagers in my class asked if I believe in love at first sight, I said no. I actually don’t. But I do believe in compatibility at first sight. Because that’s what happened when I met the guy I eventually married.
I’ve written before about meeting Andy, but suffice it to say that I first saw him at a party. And after that first glimpse, I was interested enough to approach him. That led to an hour-long conversation that was more friendly than romantic in nature. But the same evening we met, I remember telling a friend how much Andy had impressed me and that he was definitely husband material. We’d only met once, but I could already see myself marrying him.
Being the pragmatic human that I am, that initial spark certainly wasn’t enough for me. Andy and I went on to date each other for a year, talk about all the important stuff, meet each other’s families, go on the obligatory road trip, AND travel abroad together before getting engaged. Now five years and one baby later, we’re still living very happily together. So I am a believer in a lovely meet cute PLUS diligent courtship being a great combination for lasting love.
I May Not Believe in Love at First Sight—But I Do Believe in Giving a Spark Time to Catch Fire
Doesn’t everyone dream of meeting a beautiful stranger and liking each other instantly? There’s a reason this idea is so compelling. We all want to be desired. And I will say that it’s fantastic to end up with someone you clicked with right from the start. I love telling our “how we first met” story. And those first stirrings of something wonderful between us was a huge reason why our love story eventually worked out.
So I’m not opposed to people having a powerful experience when they first meet. However, I do recommend searching for something deeper than a good first impression. That alone can’t be the foundation for a lasting relationship. After all, why put your trust in one moment when you could confirm a life-altering decision with a long pattern of positive evidence? But hey, that’s just the opinion of someone who always thinks ahead before she jumps. ❧
