To my dear Juliet,
I’ve wanted to write something for you since before you were born. Now that you’re four months old, here’s me finally getting around to it. Your wonderful father is putting you to bed right now, so I’m sitting down to gather my thoughts for a short while.
Writing anything with a tiny baby in the house is basically a circus. It’s like balancing a porcelain tea set on your head while playing the accordion and walking a tightrope with organ music blasting in your ears. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve loved being your mom from day 1 (something pregnant me never would have believed). Writing has gotten tricky lately, for sure, but I’m still doing it because I love to write, even on days when giving up sounds so much easier. And this message is specifically for you.
There Are Several Things I Want You to Know
You’re probably SO tired of my advice, whatever age you happen to be, but I wanted to make a master list of the big stuff. The stuff I wish I had known earlier in my life so I could have skipped a lot of headaches, tears, and complication.
I plan to discuss every one of these things and so much more with you in person as I watch you grow, but life is also unpredictable. If I get hit by a bus tomorrow, I want to make sure these things are recorded somewhere so you’ll get to read them someday. Not that I’m planning to get hit by a bus anytime soon—or ever—but I’m kind of a morbid person. Therefore, your mother always has a just-in-case contingency plan.
So just in case, here are some things I want you to know . . .
I Want You to Know that I Love You, Darling
I tell you this every time I put you down for a nap, and I plan to keep telling you daily for the rest of your life. Maybe that doesn’t seem like such a big thing. But I grew up in a family that didn’t say those words to each other, which is a big reason why I want you to know how much I love you.
Even when I was carrying you, terrified that I’d struggle to love you and be your mom, I spent hours thinking about you. How I would raise you. What you would be like. Who I hoped you’d be and what our family would be like once you were in it. Then I actually met you in the hospital, and all bets were off. I loved you right from the start, and that means a lot coming from a jaded woman in her thirties who doesn’t like kids or babies. I both like you AND love you, honey. Not because of anything you’ve done. Just because you’re my daughter. So please, please know that I will always love you.
You Should Also Know that I Love Your Dad
Marrying your dad was the best decision of my life. Without question. Seriously, I’m beyond grateful every day that we found each other and that I had an uncharacteristic moment of insanity to walk up and meet such a good-looking man. That was just my first impression though. Your dad is easily the kindest person I know. He’s attentive and honest with me. He’s spiritual, meticulous, and generous to a fault. And he’s completely devoted to making my day-to-day life easier and supporting my dreams.
I’m sure I’ve told you the story of both waiting for Dad and falling in love with him. There are SO many thoughts I’d love to share with you about dating, but here’s the most important one: look for someone like your dad and you’ll be sure to end up happy in love. He’s not perfect. Not even close. But if you look for someone who loves you the way that your Daddy loves me, you’re gonna be more than okay. I’m a huge believer that the person you choose to marry has a high correlation with the difficulty level of your marriage. So choose someone like Dad. You deserve to be loved like that.
Honey, I Want You to Like Yourself
Your relationship with yourself is a big deal in life. When I think of you in the future, I hope that when a big event ends and all your friends and acquaintances go home and it’s just you at the end of the night, washing your face and getting into your cozy pajamas, you feel peace in your own presence. Because you’re content with the person you are even behind closed doors.
It’s a beautiful thing to like who you are, but it isn’t easy. Far from it, in fact. Believe me when I say that the people who have the most inflated egos are also some of the most insecure people you’ll ever meet. They act like they’re awesome because they’re overcompensating for a hidden feeling of self-loathing. And when you don’t like who you are, it has a way of tainting every aspect of your life, including the decisions you make in the short and long term. I want you to know that you deserve respect and happiness. That you’re a divine being with amazing potential. And I definitely want you to know that you are so much more than your appearance.
I feel like a hypocrite bringing this up today. We just took our first family picture with you in it, and I have to admit that when I saw the prints, I cried. I cried because I hated the way I looked in those pictures despite how precious it was to see our smiling family together. I’m still adjusting to my new body after having a baby, so just know that your mama struggles with these things too. It’s tough not to let the way you look completely consume your thoughts in this superficial world. But I’m more dedicated than ever to fighting that fight because I want you, my precious daughter, to like who you are both inside and out. I want you to know that your mother is proud of the person she is. And I can’t think of anything better than spending time in my own presence and enjoying the life that I’ve got. Especially because you’re in it.
You Should Also Know that Being a Girl Is Awesome
I’m hitting this point because our world is filled with a lot of messed up ideas about women generally. And I want to prepare you to fight against all the haters. There are multiple billion-dollar industries dedicated to making you feel like you’re not enough, mostly because insecure, miserable women tend to spend a lot of money. There are plenty of people who will fill your head with worries and fears about how all women are victims and treated terribly by everyone, everywhere, all the time. Even I as a young adolescent fell into the trap of thinking that girlhood is all doom and gloom. That being a girl is all about periods, childbirth, uncomfortable bras, never being pretty enough, but also getting hypersexualized everywhere you go.
Darling, I need you to know that most of this fearmongering is lies. You are growing up in a world where women are living the best, most rich lives of any women in history. They’re excelling in education, working incredible jobs, raising children, traveling the world, and living safer and freer than ever before. And you have the opportunity to do all of that!
I’m thrilled that you’ll get to do pretty much anything you want with your life, but don’t fall into the trap of thinking you can do it all. You can do anything. You just can’t do it all at once without completely burning yourself out and letting important things fall between the cracks. But the sky is the limit on what you can do over the course of your lifetime. Just look at your mama who’s been to school, had a career for over ten years, bought a house, married a great man, written six books, and become a mother too. Being female has its challenges, but I want you to know that embracing all the possibilities of womanhood is SO rewarding and wonderful. You’re going to love being a girl.
Please Surround Yourself with the People You Want to Become
I badly wish I had done this earlier in my life. I spent my entire twenties pouring all of my energy into a series of toxic friendships. It was an extremely lonely time, so I coped with that by letting people with way bigger problems than mine swallow me whole. Believe me when I say that this invited SO much unnecessary turmoil into my life. It took until I was thirty to turn away from the constant drama and choose to be friends with mature adults. People who I genuinely want to be like. People who leave me feeling refreshed and satisfied after I hang out with them.
Don’t get me wrong, your friends are going to be normal human beings with problems and weaknesses. Even the best friends on earth sometimes say hurtful things that you’ll need to talk to them about. But if you surround yourself with kind people who you genuinely admire, this is the biggest gift you could possibly give yourself. They say that you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with, and there’s some truth to that. If you hang out with good people who do healthy things, work hard, and treat others well, you are WAY more likely to become that way too. That’s not to say that you can’t befriend people who are extremely different from you, but I would encourage you to spend time only with people who respect your boundaries. Life is too short for relationships that suck you dry.
That Being Said, It’s Never a Waste of Time to Be Kind to Everyone
And I mean EVERYONE, even people who probably don’t deserve it. You just never know what people are going through. And there will be times in life when the person silently struggling is going to be you. It’s during those times that a random compliment, a smile, or a stranger holding the door open for you is the most important. I hope to raise you to be that stranger who holds doors for random people and treats customer service employees well. And I’m definitely going to teach you how to be tactful and polite when you give people feedback. That’s kind of a dying art these days, which is a shame.
Just to clarify, when I say I want you to be kind to everyone, that doesn’t mean that you have to go on pity dates that you don’t want to go on. Please be kind to the young men around you. Kindness is so much more than being “nice” and non-confrontational to a fault. Being kind is being honest with people in a constructive way that doesn’t break people’s spirits. It’s saying no kindly rather than leading people on or letting others continue to treat you in a way that you hate. I firmly believe that even the kindest people can stand up for themselves. This balance of honesty and graciousness is a difficult thing to master, but I hope you’ll try your best. Even as you give the people around you the benefit of the doubt.
Because Really . . . Nobody Knows What They’re Doing
You know those wildly cool people who seem to have it all together and never worry, mess up, or say the wrong thing? Even those people feel like they’re just winging it much of the time. It’s incredibly rare for a person to feel confident all the time. In fact, that’s impossible. Anyone who tells you they don’t struggle with anything is for sure lying, sweetie.
I’m not telling you this so you’ll stop trying your best or disrespect people who are good at what they do. I’m telling you this in hopes that you won’t be so harsh on yourself. Or feel like you’re the only person who gets embarrassed or doesn’t know how to talk to your crush or worries that everyone else knows what’s going on while you don’t. EVERYONE feels that way on the regular, no matter how old or experienced they are. I just want you to know that so maybe you can feel a little more at ease in life than I did for such a long time. That feeling of not quite fitting in with everyone around you? I can’t say it ever completely goes away, but I can promise that it sure gets easier as you get older.
I Want You to Know When It’s Worth It to Wait
This is rich coming from a person as impatient as I am, but believe me, honey, that the big things are worth waiting for. Waiting sucks. I know from much experience with waiting. But when you put in the time to do something important right, to succeed at a huge project in your career, to get engaged to the right person after truly getting to know them, to save up for a dream vacation so you don’t have to go into debt—these experiences are life changing in every way.
One of the best things I ever waited for was to have sex after I was married. That is not an easy thing to wait for, but it was SO worth it. Not because my virginity was the most important thing about me. Because choosing to wait on this very sacred experience kept a lot of heartache and horrible consequences out of my life. AND it protected me from bonding with men who didn’t care about me. People don’t talk about this enough, but women are biologically designed to bond with their sex partner. It’s kind of the whole point. So you’d better make sure that person is committed to you before you share that part of yourself. Some people will try to tell you that waiting until marriage is impossible or pointless. In reality, it’s been proven to make your relationship, communication, and sex life way better. I’m living proof of that.
So yeah. Even though waiting is hard, there are lots of big things that deserve to be waited for.
But Let’s Also Talk About When NOT to Wait
Yes. There are times when I don’t want you to wait at all. Not even one day. Please don’t wait to be happy in your life. Even during hard times, you can choose gratitude for the things you have rather than waiting for a distant benchmark to arrive. If there’s something in your life that’s making you unhappy, don’t wait to make changes. Start working on a solution now, even if you think it will take years. The sooner you start, the sooner things will turn around.
Don’t wait to wear The Dress. Every woman has a dress in her closet that’s just a little too nice to wear anywhere. So The Dress sits there in the dark, unworn and unloved until it’s either outgrown or given away. I want you to wear The Dress, honey. You deserve to enjoy life to the fullest, even if you feel a little overdressed. And anyway, dressing up and shining from within encourages the people around you to shine too.
Don’t wait to burn that amazing-smelling candle that you’re saving for the perfect occasion. Go ahead and wear the perfume you love, even if you’re scared it will run out. Put on those shoes that feel a little too sexy for the office. And please don’t wait to tell someone how you really feel, to say “I appreciate you.” No compliment should remain unsaid in a world where a few kind words can make someone’s whole day.
Perhaps most importantly, don’t wait to have hard conversations. Conversations where you need to tell someone the truth or let somebody know that they hurt you. Don’t wait on those talks. They’re hard to have, but the sooner you have them, the sooner you can be truly seen and have your deepest needs met. Your needs matter, my dear, and the right people want you to be happy. So don’t wait to say something that needs to be said.
I Want You to Dream Big, Sweetheart
I’m deeply looking forward to seeing what interests light you up and motivate you to push through any obstacle. Whatever it is that you’re dying to do or be, I support you 100%. I want you to have huge dreams, and I do truly believe that you can do anything you choose to work toward. Whatever that turns out to be, just know that your mom wants you to be not just happy, not just successful, but whole. I want all that and more for you.
So don’t ask why you of all people would have something amazing work out for you. Just work hard and see what happens. You won’t succeed at everything you try, but stretching for something cool can help you learn about yourself and meet some really neat people you never would have met. And sometimes plans and dreams that DON’T work out can turn into one of the things you’re most grateful for in life. I know that sounds super contradictory, but I’m speaking from experience. Even devastating rejections like breakups and layoffs or illnesses that throw your life into chaos can lead to something huge working out for you. So hang in there. And be open to something you never planned becoming your biggest dream of all. That happens in life. And it’s magical when it does.
Lastly, I Want You to Know that You’re Never Alone
Life is hard, honey. Loneliness is one of the hardest things I’ve ever faced in my own life. But whatever hard thing you have to go through, I can absolutely promise that you’re not the first person (or the last) to take on that challenge. If you have the humility to talk about the hard stuff that’s happening to you, you’ll be amazed how many people are willing to listen. And say, “I’ve been through that too.” Too often, we all assume that our trials make us special. In reality it’s our hearts, our passions, and the times we didn’t give up that make us who we are.
Even if you’re at the end of your rope and you feel like you can’t talk to anyone, please know that Your Savior, Jesus Christ, is the one person who will always know what you’re going through. He can strengthen you through any problem, any heartache, and any disappointment. You’re going to spend a lot of years learning about His life to gain a true understanding of everything He’s done for you. I plan to be there for every step of your faith journey as you come to know Him. But if for any reason I’m not around when you read this, I want you to know that I believe in Our Savior and He’s changed my life. If you’re ever struggling with your faith, my darling, please lean on mine.
I Did Mention that I Love You, Right?
I know, I know I’m belaboring the fact, but I don’t care. Someone as special as you deserves to hear “I love you” constantly. And anyway, I’m your mother. If anybody can get away with being sappy with you, I sure hope it’s me.
With all my love,
Mama ❧
