How to Say No—and NOT Feel Guilty About It

This topic has been on my mind the past several months. I would argue that saying no is one of the most important adult skills anyone can learn. Because learning to say no to people, obligations, and negativity in general is the first step to living intentionally and taking control of your life.

But let’s be honest, saying no can be deeply unpleasant. For some people pleasers it’s actually impossible. I’ve gotten way, way better at setting boundaries and saying no to people over the years, but it still isn’t fun or easy. I have a theory that highly introspective, creative people also tend to be highly conscientious people who feel compelled to take care of everyone. These are the exact people who have the hardest time saying no to stuff. But one way or another, we all have to figure this out.

What’s the Big Deal about Saying No?

I know there’s people reading this who don’t understand this issue at all. Like, how hard is it to just say it? NO, I can’t do that because I don’t have time. But it’s far more complicated for many of us. Those of us who struggle with rejection more than others often feel like the act of saying no is a rejection.

I was talking to a friend about this recently. She was lamenting about taking on too many obligations over her weekend and how being overbooked made her unable to enjoy anything. Instead it left her feeling resentful and drained at the beginning of a stressful week at work. And yet she still found herself justifying why she didn’t say no when the requests came pouring in. I told her that I actually understood where she was coming from. Because when you say no to someone, you are in fact saying that their request isn’t worth your time. And that can feel really harsh to admit.

But it’s also important to be honest with yourself and others when you can’t do something.

I’m in a Season Where My Energy Is SUPER Precious

I’m a huge believer that we have time to do anything we choose to make time to do. But that doesn’t mean that we have the energy to do everything. In this season as a new mom, my days are filled to the brim with physical labor. That has definitely put a cap on how much mental labor I’m capable of doing.

I still want to write and create and stay in touch with my writer friends. But I’m also in a stage of turning down many beta reading opportunities that I would have taken in the past. I honestly haven’t read a single book since my baby was born. And my daily journaling habit is in shambles too. Right now I’m focused on keeping my family functioning and well. The last thing I want is for Andy and Juliet to get my leftovers, but this also means that my small store of energy left at the end of the night can’t go toward other people’s writing. It’s going toward my own.

What I’m trying to say is that a certain level of selfishness is healthy and necessary to stay sane in life. Especially when you have a family depending on you, it’s absolutely crucial to say no to anything that’s going to drain you.

So. How Exactly Do You Say No?

More importantly, how do you know which obligations to turn down and which ones to make time for? Let’s break down this subject into three broad topics:

1. When to say no
2. How to say no
3. How to say no to the guilt

Topic #1: When to Say No

Sometimes you’ll be in a season when you have to say no to literally everything. This was me the first three months of my baby’s life. But now that the fog is lifting and I’m getting more sleep, I can take on some obligations. Just not most of them. So when you’re letting some things in and keeping others out, how do you make those decisions?

Here are some general guidelines that have helped me:

• Prioritize previous commitments—If you’ve already committed to something and another person is depending on you, honor that commitment. I’m a believer in keeping my word, even if that means turning down someone who asks later. Sometimes you just can’t say yes.
• Be honest when you’re burnt out—Burnout is an incredibly real thing, and it happens when we aren’t honest with ourselves about needing rest. If you’re just too tired to take on more or the thought of saying yes to something exhausts you, that’s enough of a reason to say no.
• Say no to people who take advantage—You know the people in your life who ask for things every week or every day? These are the people you need to start saying no to, especially if they ask for unreasonable things, ask rudely, act entitled to your time, or can easily make do without your help.
• Walk away from anything that you’ll resent—This is another area that demands complete honesty. If you’re going to resent the person you’re helping or resent the task, say no right from the beginning to keep that negativity out of your life.
• Prioritize your goals and values—Sometimes you could yes, but you know in your gut that you’ll be sacrificing something important to you. This is another area where you need to prioritize your own life because sacrificing your core values or big goals just isn’t worth it.
• Say no to things that you’re dreading—Maybe you do have the energy and the time to say yes to something . . . but just the idea of that task sounds awful to you in the moment. Here’s a little secret: if you don’t want to and that’s your only reason, you can still say no. It’ll be okay.

Of course there are lots of tasks in life that aren’t optional. But when there is a choice, being decisive about saying yes or no is a huge gift to myself and everyone I interact with. After all, prioritizing what I can and can’t do leaves room to take on things that I actually WANT to do. Because the things that are most important, time sensitive, or most rewarding are the things that I want to have the time and energy to say yes to.

Topic #2: How to Say No

Let’s get down to brass tacks. Once you’ve decided to say no to someone, how do you actually say it? OUT LOUD? No matter what the situation is, it always helps to say no in the most polite way possible. Notice that I used the word “polite” rather than “nice.” People who hate saying no often misinterpret “the nice thing” as just caving in and saying yes. Instead, let’s reframe this conversation. Even though you’re saying no, be as kind as possible to the person you’re telling AND to yourself by being truthful and endlessly gracious.

I should emphasize that you don’t owe people an explanation of why you’re saying no. But in case it makes you feel more comfortable, keep any explanations short, sweet, and to the point so you’re not drawing out this conversation. I’m also a fan of walking into any uncomfortable situations with a script that I can fall back on, but which script you use depends on the situation . . .

Situation #1: Saying No to Something Simple

These answers are for the straightforward situations with coworkers or acquaintances you don’t know particularly well. This is the time to get straight to the point and not get lost in the details. Just say it and move on.

• “That sounds so fun, but unfortunately I’m busy that night. Thanks for the invite!”
• “Oh shoot, that doesn’t work with my schedule. Sorry.”
• “I wish I could, but I already committed to [x].”
• “I’m afraid I just don’t have the time this week.”
• “I was actually just leaving, but I hope you have a great time!”
• “Now isn’t a good time, but I’ll consider it in the future.” (Only say this if it’s actually true)
• “I wish I could, but I have too much going on already.”
• “I can’t, but that sounds fun!”
• “No, thank you.”

Situation #2: Saying No to Someone You Really Care About

These situations are way harder to navigate. Maybe you’re saying no to a family member or a trusted friend that you’ve said yes to in the past. Whatever the situation, be as supportive as you can be while still maintaining the boundary. And if you’re in a good place, this is also a situation to offer to help out at a different time or place if you can. You’re not obligated to offer that, but it’s just an option to soften the no.

• “I’m so honored you would ask for my help, but I have a conflict that I can’t move. Is there another way I could support you?”
• “That’s wonderful that you thought of me, but [reason you can’t help]. Could you keep me in mind for next time?”
• “I really wish I could help you out, but [reason why you can’t]. Could I possibly [offer an alternative].”
• “I wish I could, but I’m just not in a place to do that. I really hope the event goes great though.”

Situation #3: Saying No to a Person Who Will NOT Take No for an Answer

These people are THE WORST. Telling them no is every people pleaser’s worst nightmare, but it can be done! When dealing with these specimens, it’s best to fall back on firmness rather than resorting to long explanations that the person will reject anyway. I’d default to one of these three options:

• “I’m sorry, but now isn’t a great time for that.” (Change the subject)
• “That sounds fun, but I’m just not the right person for that.” (Change the subject.)
• “I’m afraid that’s just not going to work. Sorry.” (Change the subject)

Repeat these phrases as often as necessary. You might also consider interacting with this person a lot less. Life is too short to deal with people constantly steamrolling your boundaries.

Topic #3: How to Say No to the Guilt

This one is tricky. I am no stranger to feeling extraordinarily illogically guilty for just about everything. But I can also promise that feeling guilty over something that you’ve already decided, especially after you’ve already said no, is not productive. It’s using up brain power that you could be spending somewhere else. So if you need some perspective to help you let the guilt go, here are some thoughts to keep in mind . . .

The vast majority of people will understand when you say no. It is VERY rare that a person will stew for hours, days, or weeks after you tell them you can’t do something. And even if they do, you’ll probably never hear about it anyway. Secondly, the more you say no, the easier it will get. You’re exercising a muscle that you’ve rarely used up to this point. Of course it’s going to be painful the first two or three times.

But don’t give up! This discomfort you’re feeling is just your body recalibrating to accept that saying no is good. In fact, it’s awesome. A podcaster I absolutely love has a saying to “choose guilt over resentment,” and he’s SO right. It’s better to weather a little guilt now than to waste hours of time that you’ll never get back. Also . . .

Once You Learn to Say No, You’ll Have SO Much More Energy to Enjoy Saying Yes

Saying no will free up precious time in your life. You’ll be able to do the things you do better. You’ll experience way less stress. And you’ll be free to pour your energy into the people who matter most to you. Your significant other, your closest friends, your sweet kids, and the people who do favors for YOU are the ones who deserve your time the most. I can’t think of a better reason to start saying no way more often. ❧

For more on self-love, check out my thoughts on overcoming imposter syndrome.