So big announcement: I had a baby! My daughter, Juliet, was born just over a month ago, and her arrival has turned my life upside down in the most wild and wonderful way imaginable. I was so stressed out about becoming a parent that it never even occurred to me that this new era might be awesome. Hard and very sleep deprived? Of course. But also the best! Honestly, I wasn’t sure if I would ever blog again after having a baby, but here we are, already reclaiming some of the activities I enjoy. I’m surprised, but also satisfied. Obviously parenting is on my mind day and night lately, so I’d like to posit a question: how does one avoid becoming a fairy tale parent—a.k.a. the worst parent ever?
Because Fairy Tale Parents Are Genuinely Awful
I don’t know what it is about fairy tales, but there are A LOT of bad parents in these iconic stories. I guess that tells you how universal of an experience it is for parents and children to have (ahem) less than rosy relationships. But it’s one thing to make some parenting mistakes. It’s quite another to be openly abusive and hateful toward your own kid. Some fairy tale parents are so aggressively terrible that you’d think they were competing for the Worst Parent Ever Award and the all-expenses-paid vacation that surely makes the title worth winning. Or maybe they’re just desperate to become empty nesters as soon as possible . . .
Whatever motivates people to become famously bad parents, let’s examine eight of the worst parenting strategies in classic fairy tales, shall we?
How NOT to Become a Terrible Fairy Tale Parent
Rule #1: Don’t Trade Your First-Born Child to Save Your Own Skin
You know you’re a true fairy tale parent when you screw up this badly before your kid is even born. Classic. And lest we think this is a rare mistake, multiple parents in multiple fairy tales are guilty of this one. Rapunzel’s father and the miller’s daughter in Rumpelstiltskin are just two well-known examples. Geez, guys. I guess I’m already safe from that mistake.
Rule #2: Also Don’t Purposely Abandon Your Kid in the Woods
I’m not talking about accidentally losing your child in the woods, the mall, or a county fair. I’m sure to make that mistake with Juliet eventually. But intentionally leaving your kids in the forest to be devoured by wild beasts so you don’t have to feed them anymore? I suppose Hansel and Gretel’s parents were in a desperate situation, but still! For the record, it wasn’t a stepmother who talked Dad into that plan either. In the original Hansel and Gretel, the mother is in fact their biological mother. Yikes.
Rule #3: Maybe Don’t Plot to Kill Your Daughter Out of Jealousy
Speaking of stepmothers, how can one forget little Snow White’s fairy tale parent? I actually wrote a whole article about how much I enjoy the evil queen as a character, but we can all agree that trying to kill a little girl because you think she’s prettier than you is totally deranged. Even a stepchild is still your kid by marriage! But we all know that fairy tale stepfamilies have a sordid history.
Rule #4: Don’t Enslave Your Child as a Domestic Servant
Ah yes, the most famous fairy tale parent of all: Cinderella’s evil stepmother. And with a rap sheet as long as hers, she’s called evil for a reason. Giving your daughter chores is one thing, but forcing her to wear rags and do housework night and day? Treating her worse than the other kids in the family because you hate her the most? Banishing her to the attic and not even giving her a bed? It’s no wonder this stepmother gives stepparents a bad name, but what about Cinderella’s biological father?
Rule #5: Don’t Stand Idly By While Your Spouse Makes Your Kid Miserable
Yep! Cinderella’s dad is in fact alive in most versions of that fairy tale. And aside from having the worst taste in women ever, he also lets his new wife do awful things to his biological daughter while saying absolutely NOTHING. Like really, dude? At least make sure the girl has a place to sleep! But lest you think that neglect is the worst thing Cinderella’s dad is guilty of . . .
Rule #6: FOR SURE Don’t Attempt to Marry Your Own Kid
Yeah . . . there’s a whole library of Cinderella-adjacent fairy tales in which fathers attempt to marry their own daughters and said daughters run for their lives. Massive ick. Let’s not dwell on this one longer than we have to.
Rule #7: Don’t Imprison Your Offspring in a Tower
Ah yes, Rapunzel strikes again. That whole fairy tale is basically a commentary on what bad parenting looks like. And tempting as it is to lock kids up and never let them grow up, knocking the stairs out of their tower is just NOT the answer. I haven’t been a parent long enough to understand the distinct longing to keep your kids small and innocent forever, but Juliet is growing like crazy. I’m sure the feeling will come soon, but I’m ruling out the tower strategy now.
Rule #8: DEFINITELY Don’t Cook Up Your Kid and Eat Them
Of course the ultimate no-no is literally eating your own. Cannibalism is all too common in this genre, thus the entire trope of the “devouring mother” originating from a fairy tale parent. Sometimes it’s parents eating their kids. Or feeding them to the other parent. Or straight up eating their bleeding hearts, yikes. While I do understand the uncontrollable urge to smell and kiss my little baby constantly, I think Juliet is safe from my ravenous appetite.
Bottom Line? The Parenting Bar Is Set VERY Low Here
Say what you will about fairy tale parents. At least they make the rest of us look halfway decent by comparison, and in all honesty, I’m surprised by how lovely being a mother is so far. Biology is real, people! Beyond the postpartum hormones, I have a very great baby who’s making everything I went through to get her here totally worth it. ❧
