100 Truths about Being a Parent

Time truly is a thief. It feels like yesterday that I was eight months pregnant with my first baby in high summer (an experience not for the faint of heart). And that same baby is turning one year old this month. I love being a mom more than I ever could have imagined. And even though I’ve been a parent for only one year, I feel like I’ve learned a thing or two about this incredibly tough, intrepid, sometimes panic-inducing, and highly rewarding job. So in no particular order, here are one hundred truths about being a parent . . .

1. Being a parent is the most amazing experience you will ever have in your life. Bar none.
2. It is literally impossible to put into words how much you love this tiny human you and your significant other created.
3. But being a parent is also hard. Like REALLY hard.
4. Being a parent also means you will never get eight hours of sleep. Ever again.
5. The bad days involve a lot of pain and a lot of tears. It just comes with the job.
6. Parents definitely have days where we ask ourselves why we agreed to do this.
7. And then the good days make us think, “Ah. This is why. I love being a parent.”
8. Babies are always changing. Don’t blink.
9. Every baby is also different. Sometimes parents drive ourselves batty comparing our baby to other babies.
10. But no matter how your baby compares, you will think yours is the cutest one on the entire planet. Biology is super, super real.

11. It takes a pretty long time for babies to do anything besides eat, poop, and sleep.
12. But every time Baby learns a new skill—which happens almost daily—you will feel like leaping up in celebration because oh my gosh, she rolled over!
13. Every time you feel like you have this baby figured out, they change. Again.
14. BUT! That also means that every time Baby hits a phase that feels truly unbearable, it will pass 100% of the time.
15. The dishes involved in bottle feeding a newborn are no joke. They are RELENTLESS.
16. And the laundry? Same thing. How does any parent get away with not doing a load every day?
17. Sleep regressions are Hell. Nothing more to add there.
18. Teething is also Hell, but those chamomile tablets are one of the greatest inventions on earth.
19. Whoever invented white noise machines deserves a Nobel Peace Prize.
20. Also the person who invented this diaper cream spatula. How does any parent live without this?
21. Surprisingly, changing diapers really isn’t that bad. Which is good since part of being a parent is changing like 4,000 diapers in the first month. Give or take a few hundred.
22. There are many aspects of parenthood that are pretty gross, I’m not gonna lie.
23. But it’s amazing how quickly parents become accustomed to just about anything—especially unpredictability.
24. Being a parent is becoming an absolute expert on everything that goes into and out of your baby. The obsession is so real.
25. The miracle that electric breast pumps truly are.
26. Also the genius feature that they automatically shut off after 30 minutes. Very useful when you fall asleep sitting up.
27. Falling asleep in any position in any place is kind of par for the course for parents.
28. Also obsessively combing the internet to figure out if everything your baby does is normal. Spoiler: it is.
29. Parents find conflicting parenting advice at every single turn.
30. But parental gut intuition is surprisingly sound. Those maternal instincts? SO real.
31. People LOVE babies. To a shocking degree.
32. Unfortunately people also love touching babies. Taking your baby out in public is like being the security detail for a super attractive international pop star. HANDS OFF, PEOPLE!
33. Sick babies are seriously the worst. Equal parts heartbreaking, exhausting, and aggravating.
34. If you think a healthy baby will disrupt your sleep, just wait until Baby gets a cold. Not fun.
35. Getting a babysitter on any given night is a dicey business. Sometimes it’s easy. Other times it’s impossible.
36. Everyone says they want to babysit your baby, but people also have busy lives.
37. The people who are most likely to be available are also the ones who have their own kids. Kids who are probably sick this week. Sigh.
38. Baby clothes are adorable. Everyone wants to buy clothes for your baby.
39. And these clothes will fit your child for about a week before they’re suddenly too small. Sorry.
40. Baby shoes are basically useless. And yet we all buy them because HOW ADORABLE!
41. Holding your breath when you hear your slumbering baby stir during their nap. Will she give me ten more minutes or another hour? Or neither? Who knows.
42. A good video monitor is both a blessing and a curse because you can now watch your baby sleep. All parents do this at one point or another.
43. Parents often find enjoyment in the tiniest things: your baby’s favorite song, a moment off your feet, small acts of kindness, or a ten-minute power nap. Especially that last one.
44. Baby giggles are the stuff dreams are made of.
45. One smile from your baby can erase an entire array of difficulties.
46. There are days that being a parent can feel like the most isolated role imaginable.
47. Other times when you’re in public, you see a fellow parent with a baby in a shopping cart. And you nod to each other in quiet solidarity. Because you know each other instantly.
48. A well-packed diaper bag is an art form. Because when you’re away from home, you need what you need immediately.
49. Babies will play with absolutely anything in your house, especially if it’s something dangerous.
50. Which begs the question of why we buy kids expensive toys that don’t hold their attention for longer than 60 seconds. It’s a mystery . . . Nope, it’s just marketing.
51. And yet parents still can get very emotionally attached to some of their kid’s favorite toys. I’m already living this.
52. Babyproofing is a lot more complicated than one would imagine. One year in, and mine is STILL discovering hazards we haven’t removed.
53. Babies will eat absolutely anything. Toilet paper. Potting soil. Your hair off the carpet. That random speck they just found on—DON’T EAT THAT!
54. But when it comes to actual food, they will gain preferences in about 2.5 seconds. My daughter would eat nothing but pasta and strawberries for the rest of her life if given the chance.
55. Babies are really smart. Like tricky, escape artist, supervillain levels of smart. Don’t trust them.

56. Babies adore huge reactions. This means they love peekaboo—and seeing you freak out when they purposely make choking sounds. Because of course.
57. The look of wonder on a baby’s face when trying something new for the first time? Priceless. The most magical way to see the world is through the eyes of a little one.
58. Being able to soothe your offspring with nothing but the sound of your voice? The most tender feeling in the world.
59. Because one thing is for sure: you ARE their world.
60. Sometimes the only thing they want is for you to carry them. All day. Forever. Parents everywhere really need a chiropractor.
61. Being a parent is a do or die kind of gig. Truly. And you’d be shocked what you can live through.
62. But it’s also shocking how things that once felt impossible and overwhelming can become easy in a matter of days or weeks.
63. Having a kid and being a parent will turn you into a completely different person than you were before. And that person is definitely better.
64. Parents are the epitome of resilience and adaptability. We learn fast.
65. And we’re exhausted. More than I can even describe.
66. We’re also doing better at this parenting thing than we think we are on any given day.
67. And we’re quick to tell other parents they’re doing great too.
68. Contrary to common belief, most parents are actually terrified of getting too real about kids with people who don’t have them. We do not want to be the person who scared someone off of reproducing.
69. Also, most of us don’t have a vested interest in whether you decide to have your own kids or not. We’re too tired to have an opinion on what you do with your life.
70. There are days you’re so tired that you can’t muster the energy to care about your child emptying all the drawers or rubbing milk into the carpet. Knock yourself out, kid.
71. But people who offer us help on the tough days are without question the BEST people.
72. Some days, all being a parent involves is keeping your baby alive. And that is enough.
73. About two thirds of parenting is pure survival.
74. The final third is the most wide-eyed, spectacular, tender kind of joy you can imagine.
75. It hits about once an hour how cute my kid is. Like HOW? How is she so cute?
76. Figuring out when and what to eat while caring for a child is a gargantuan challenge.
77. And most mothers eat their food cold. Not by choice. It just happens.
78. Being a parent has a way of making even the most tightly wound person more relaxed, out of necessity more than anything else.
79. We are experts at making our babies laugh. Challenge accepted!
80. We also go outrageously long between showers. I feel like a completely renewed human being whenever I finally get around to cleaning myself.
81. Also putting on makeup for the first time in a week and realizing I’ve still got it.
82. The breath-taking freedom of going out on a date with no baby and remembering how in love you are with your significant other.
83. Being a parent means meeting a completely new version of your significant other, for that matter.
84. If you’ve never wanted to kill your significant other before, you will after having a kid. Going ten straight days with no sleep gets to you.
85. But seeing your significant other become a parent, sing to your baby, and make sacrifices for your family will increase your love for them tenfold. Most definitely.
86. Visiting the familiar people and places you used to before you became a parent and realizing everything is different now . . .
87. And yet you’re not dead or anything. Parents still have fun when we can.
88. Feeling like your kid was born yesterday while also feeling like they’ve always been yours.
89. Being a parent often makes the days blend together.
90. But it also forces you to slow down and reevaluate your life in the best possible way.
91. Even the worst meltdown—from a parent or baby—can often be quieted by just going outside. Nature is pretty great that way.

92. Looking back at pictures you took a few weeks ago and realizing that version of your baby doesn’t exist anymore. HOW do they grow this fast?
93. Constantly wishing you had taken more pictures on any given day. Then realizing that it’s better to be in that moment than having your phone out anyway.
94. Daydreaming about the future sometimes and wondering who this little person will become. What will be her favorite color? Favorite ice cream flavor? Favorite Disney movie? The big questions.
95. Feeling so excited to get away from your offspring for just one night . . . then spending most of that away time thinking about them anyway.
96. And when you come home, their little face lights up because they adore you. One of the BEST parts of being a parent.
97. Realizing you’re literally raising a human being is a scary yet thrilling thing.
98. And no matter what challenges arise, it’s all worth it.
99. Because being a parent means loving your child more than anything.
100. That and being so, so tired. I did mention that, right?

For more parenting humor, check out the fairy tale about the truest mark of motherhood.